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crashoveride7218
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Name: Jeff
Birthday: 7/21/1988
Gender: Male
Interests: Cooking, computer, friends, roller blading
Expertise: Cooking while not burning the house down, chewing gum and walking at the same time, thinking out of the box
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  crashoveride7218
Member Since:
9/29/2003
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| this might be one of my last posts on xanga, maybe, because pretty much everyone these days has facebook these days, most of the new users kinda just spam on each others walls, but anyways:
this is the first post of sophomore year, a new year, or "the new
year?" i have to admit i never thought i would be at this certain point
of my life thinking about these certain things, but life doesn't always
go the way we expect it to go. Well for starters this is a good thing,
i've been trying to look on the upside of things and for the most part
its going pretty well with that sort of mindset. REM sleep is yet to be
achieved but oh well, that's just one more thing i'm lifting up to God
that whatever happens with that, happens.
With all those thoughts
out of the way, i've re-evaluated what life is to me, and what i want
to see, and with whom i want to spend more or less time with, and there
have been a lot of realizations and tough decisions that have to be
made, and hopefully i will have the courage and strength to do what's
best. Last weekend was a retreat with CCF(my youth group out here) and
it was an energizing time with learning what i should do/say and think
when i am evangelizing to other people. Am i ready for what's to come
in November? surely not, but i'm going to practice, pray, and just hope
for the best to come. I have heard numerous stories and miracles that
have happened within others lives that have been an inspiration to
hear, but they're not my inspirations, of which mine include my own
stories, that you will have to either ask personally, or will have to
come to a sharing time or a session i can hopefully teach at, whichever
ends up passing first.
This last weekend was another retreat with
another group on campus partnering with their fellow brother/sister
group at U of M and i must say that has added on to my share of
thoughts and prayers and even concerns. I do feel a strong connection
especially with people i have met for less than a couple of days, but
this is none other than the love of God working within us as a
community. I have felt a lot of conviction at my own injustices towards
the world and others even though as a Christian its what we're supposed
to lessen in our lives, but this will never go away. But one thing has
gone away, and that's my fear of sharing certain aspects of my life
that i wanted to leave and remain hidden for only God and i to know,
but being open and honest with myself as well as the others i come
across in life may be what can help others realize who our God is, and
if my stories can do an extra point of persuasion, i don't really care
if i feel hurt, or break down, it's something i want to try out and if
it works, then that's awesome, if not, than that's alright, i can try
again some other time. Quote that i've heard a few times recently and
have played in my head over and over, "change the university, change
the world" well i currently smile to myself and think "i intend to do
so" but first and foremost, i don't plan on doing this all on my own,
everyone i know will be involved with this, even if you don't know it.
All those who are actively participating will be, and i hope we can
establish a common grounds of unity beforehand, but for those who don't
know, you have influenced my life, others lives and it will affect the
decisions i make, so every person up till this moment has played a
significant role in order for these events to happen. but I don't
expect life to be perfect, i don't want it to be, it would make things
not as meaningful if i didn't have to work for them, i know i have
faults, more than a few to say the least, and i'm willing to share
those too but it's a steady process to try and rid ourselves of these
hindrances, but i'll save perfection for the afterlife...well as i stay
up kinda late to get my thoughts out on this 'pseudo-paper' i feel like
there are countless emotions currently, some of which contradict each
other, but it all balances out to make me excited for whats to come in
the next few months, i have a long way to grow and a lot to do before
i'm ready, but preparations are already being made and i know that i
will see the major defining moments of the lives around me
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| So i've been home for a while now, and so far, i've thought a lot about what the summer might have in store for me, and what i want to see happen, and so far, not much of my plans have gone the way i've wanted, but instead i've recieved plenty of the opposite and life has thrown some curves at me. Coming back so far, i've thought about being Chinese or asian, or whatever you want to call it, but 2 years ago when i left for China, i came back feeling like i've gained a part of my heritage back that i haven't realized since it was my first time going again in over 10 years. I came back feeling like i had more of an appreciation for being Chinese and that i was hoping it would stick with me, but i'm not sure if that's really the case now. Between a lot of asians i've encountered this summer, there has been the sense that they can say whatever they want, do whatever they want, feel like they are better than any other race, and i was thinking, am i going to turn out like this one day? I don't want to gain this sense of pride, such meaningless pride that does nothing but drag you down. i've been sad, angered, frustrated, confused, at a loss of words, and many more emotions mixed in there thinking is this what i could be like someday? if i let petty differences sink into my thoughts, which also casts judgment upon others. Do i still really want this asian part of me there? I felt like running away, ive thought about leaving, i've thought about the possibilities to not surround myself with this presence, but i realized it will always be there, somewhere, and not just in this form, but in various forms. I can't change that fact no matter where i go, but i can make a difference in my life, i may not be able to remove it from their lives, but i can take it away from mine, parents, friends, family, they can all be affected by my decisions, even if they don't choose to uphold my same ideals, they'll think twice if they think like that, or consider my opinion if i'm around.
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| So i guess now is a good time to do my yearly report of freshman year in college. To say the least, it's been eventful in every aspect. Going from school thats a reserved place and where there no phone policies and no hats, to a place where everyone is open to trying something new for the most part, everyone is talking on their cell phone to and from classes and wearing hats in and out of class. To start off, there have only been a few things that i have considered as a failure on my part, and it's not something that i'm proud of on any level. I never like to fail at things, but we can't be afraid of failure nor should we let it hold us back. We can always learn from our mistakes and some mistakes will be small, some very grave and consequential. My grades aren't very good for the most part or at least to my expectations because i know i can do a lot better, and i plan on changing this in the next and upcoming years, but for now i'm where i am. Other failures have been me as a person in the aspect that i let some emotions get the best of me to where i have fallen short. I have let some people down and to those who i have, i'm sorry, i never thought i would let this happen, but somehow i did anyways.
I have set out to do some things that i did end up accomplishing and for those, i am glad. I set out to find a good church, one that i feel like can give me a great chance to learn more about myself and about God, and one where i feel like i can contribute something to the community as a whole. I feel the same way about a youth group, and i have found one as well. I have made a lot of new friends that i'm sure will be for a lifetime. They say that some friends you know for the rest of your life are in college, and i'm sure after this year that saying is held true for me. On this note, i'm not forgetting everyone else i've known before college either because i can never forget any of you either.
I have met a lot of different people at college, people who act serious all the time but do now know God, people who act serious all the time and know God. With God in our life or not in our lives, we are totally different people, as given to the previous two examples. I've met all types of goofy people who know and don't know God as well. I've learned a lot from the different personalities of people whether or not they are serious, goofy, sad, happy, tired, energetic, all the possible emotions and feelings there are that each individual has their own lifestyle. God has made us this way, where we all have our own strengths, but even more our weaknesses. We need to rely on each other to fill in the gaps of everything else, it's what we should look for in friends sometimes. Not just people we have things in common with, but ones that can help complete who you are as a person.
My ups and downs struggles in college have really affected how i was for most of the year i think. For a big portion of the year, i had some really high ups, where i was great and did fairly well in classes, it seemed like things were awesome. Well when things are so greta, there's only so high things can go so there's nowhere else but down, and that's where things went at times. I felt like sometimes i had no one to talk to, and i would still believe that things would get better. I always prayed to God that everything aside from me is still going well, "that no matter what happens to me, let everyone else be alright, i know i can take whatever is thrown my way as long as i have you to depend on." I know not everyone is as blessed as i am with what i have today, and i'm not talking about some physical or monetary blessing because as far as that goes, i'm not and i don't have to be. I know God, and who He is, and i know that no matter what happens to me now, in this time and age, this body or physical body, that i can always have my reliance on Him. Others don't have this knowledge, and some people don't feel the same way i do, whether they don't agree with me, or if they don't see it yet. Sometimes i do feel really sad for others, actually even more than sometimes. I do my fair share of thinking and concern, but a lot more on people i've never met and probably never will, the people on the other side of the world that i can't reach out to at this current moment in time, and maybe tomorrow i might not have that opportunity. I think everyone can understand that feeling that you can have when you want to help someone out to the best of your ability, but then it's like you're so far away and that things don't work out right now for you to be able to help these people aside from praying for them, so i guess i should just do what i can.
Ability - a huge lesson learned this year, we can only do so much as humans. I have my limitations to what i can do, and i realize that. Forgiveness - we've done wrong to others and people will do the same to you and we should forgive and forget. Sometimes it's better to just let it go. Determination - Things will result on how much you want something to work out. I am determined to make some things work out, and be better and i hope that they will turn out that way. Commitment - I have learned to stay committed to what i set out to do. I haven't done any drugs, no alcohol, and i intend to stay that way. I have some other committments that in a way i let them slip but in another way i don't intend on letting them go completely, so well see what happens with that.
Nearing the end of my first year, there have been certain things that have caught my attention to how my life is. People have said and done things that have really opened my eyes to what they are like. I have made a lot of close friends through these, and i have distanced myself from people through this, when people really open themselves up to me and also give me a chance to do the same, it's a really important thing for me and i feel like i can really trust them at that point. Also when others do things to make me turn away from them and continue to do those things, it's really hard for me to think back and give them other opportunities. I know i should really remember the forgive and forget with this, so i guess it's another thing to work on, but it's difficult to let go of some things.
The last thing that i've learned from this year is nearing the end of the year, i've lost a lot of sleep, and even later in that that my heart rate has been out of the ordinary. What i can say i've thought most about this is that i don't really care. Well not literally or as blatant as it sounds, but it doesn't bother me that i haven't been getting rest, nor if i have any problems with me serious or not, i can still do what should be most important to me. I can go to church, i can worship at home or out, and i know what's out there and i see the light on my path. When i figure out whats wrong, i'll deal with it accordingly but overall i'm not really that worried about it.
So freshman year has had it's impact on me, i sleep pretty late now usually, and i know my way around campus and can relate a lot of things back home to something or someone back at school. Yeah i guess i miss the environment already, but i also miss people back home too and friends will be around or coming back too so i'll be sure to meet up with them before heaing back out to school.
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| Happy Birthday Carmen! 
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| HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEPHANIE!
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